two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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