Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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