elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
