I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
