GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
