I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
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