Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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