I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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