I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
