If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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