he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
