The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
