i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
