my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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