I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
