fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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