He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
