I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
