Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
What drink are we having for lunch?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
