just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
