Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
