Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
jump out the window naked night went bad
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
