ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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