So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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