my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
