pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
