you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
