Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
