The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
