Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
