You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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