Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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