I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
