very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
