why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
