...so i touched it.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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