Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
