i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
