sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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