is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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