I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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