My boss' voice literally gives me gas
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
