I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm always down for nudity.
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