Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
