her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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