Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
