i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
