Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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