***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
