Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
