I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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