i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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