The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
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She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
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I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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