I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
How naked do you want me to be?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
