i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
